my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she peed on how many people?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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