Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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