Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
