I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
