textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
