Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize