I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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