Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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