I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And then my night got REAL pukey
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
