billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
