I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
