I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
