my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
