sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
