You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
