wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
