She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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