He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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