too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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