I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
