Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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