I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
