I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
