I think I won the penis lottery.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
