a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
