i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
