hotel room ftw
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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