dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize