Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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