what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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