yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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