Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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