im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
