I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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