You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
