i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
