sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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