Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
