Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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