Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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