Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
