I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
