It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
