You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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