I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
