spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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