he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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