I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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