My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
