I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
