Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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