How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize