you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
