I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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