Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
