saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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