I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
